Parenting is arguably the hardest job there is and the one for which we get no training. Here are ten principles of parenting that can guide us in the demanding work of raising children of character.
Raising a civilized child takes 20 years of constant teaching and another 10 of review.
- Judith Martin (Miss Manners)
One of my college students, reflecting on her character development, wrote: “I was an only child, and my parents let me have my own way most of the time. I know they wanted to show how much they loved me, but I have struggled with selfishness my whole life.”
We need to view our children as adults-in-the-making. What kind of character do we want them to possess as grown men and women? Will they be generous and responsible adults? Will they make loving husbands and wives, and capable mothers and fathers? How is our approach to parenting likely to affect these outcomes?
2. Be an Authoritative Parent
Parents must have a strong sense of their moral authority — their right to be respected and obeyed. Psychologist Diana Baumrind's research has identified three styles of parenting: authoritative, authoritarian, and permissive. Authoritarian parents use a lot of commands and threats but little reasoning. Permissive parents are high on affection but low on authority. By contrast, authoritative parents are high on authority, reasoning, fairness, and love. The authoritative parent "explains reasons behind demands, encourages give and take, and sets standards and enforces them firmly but does not regard self as infallible." Baumrind finds that at all age levels, the most self-confident and socially responsible children have authoritative parents.
To establish an authoritative parenting style, we should have a zero tolerance policy for disrespectful speech and behavior. When kids engage in disrespectful back-talk, they need immediate corrective feedback (“What is your tone of voice?”, “You are not allowed to speak to me in that way, even if you’re upset.”). Allowing our children to speak to us disrespectfully will quickly erode their respect for our moral authority, our rules, our example, and our teaching.
3. Love Children
When kids feel loved, they become attached to us. That attachment makes them receptive to our guidance.
One-on-one time. We need emotionally intimate time to keep any relationship strong and growing. To protect one-on- one time with our children, we should plan it. I know a school superintendent, a father of four, who can show you in his appointment book which child he’ll be spending the coming Saturday afternoon with. “If I didn’t schedule that time,” he says, “it wouldn’t happen.”
Love as communication. Good communication doesn’t happen automatically. We often need to do something deliberate to bring about a meaningful exchange of thoughts and experiences. When our older son Mark was 13, I became frustrated with the fact that our exchanges typically consisted of my asking questions and his giving monosyllabic answers. (“How was school?” “Fine.” “How’d the game go?” “Great.”) One day, in exasperation, I said: “It would be great if you asked me a question.”
He said, “Okay, Dad, how are your courses going this semester?” It was the first time I ever talked to him about my teaching. After that, even if we had only five minutes in the car, we’d do “back-and-forth questions”: I’d ask him one (e.g., “What was the best part and the worst part of your day?”), he’d ask me one (often the same question), and so on. It became a family tradition.
Love as sacrifice. About a million children see their parents divorce each year. Marriages fail for many reasons, including violence, alcoholism, and infidelity. Researcher Judith Wallerstein's book, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce (2000), documents the often lasting repercussions of family breakdown for both kids and adults. Given such evidence, both secular and religious marriage counselors are now urging married couples having problems to do everything possible to try to save their marriage.
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